Amused…

a season has changed since i last came here to write.  (i take that back — i’ve actually come here to write but stared at the screen instead)  anyway, in that meantime, WordPress has kindly notified me by email that a couple folks have liked a post i made &/or have chosen to follow this blog.  (that’s basically gone nowhere fast)  however, i must say that i am slightly amused about that because i feel as if i’ve hardly said much here — not enough to inspire followers — but, so be it.  *slightSmile*

trying to find your voice when it is lost in a slightly dark place is something i am not accustomed to and i really did not know it would be hard to put my head-demons into words on a screen, even anonymously.  and i am not yet at any point where i, like other bloggers i have read, feel any sort of responsibility to my 3 readers to produce more words on a screen.  maybe that will come once the words actually come. i really want to do this, though, so i do not *get* this writers block.

how have other bloggers found their voice when it comes to very hard subject matters that they need to purge?  any thoughts on this pondering would be most welcomed, please/thanks.

where do you hide the fear when finding the bravery?

Dichotomy…

on both sides of my family, there have been incidences &/or occurrances of rape, of incest, and of child sexual abuse — historically speaking, of course.  some of this information is known to some. i am fairly certain that a bit of this information is known by many. and there is some that is known by only me. all of this i am struggling with, of late. i have A story to tell. but to tell this story, there are other stories that need be known. oooohh, dilemma.

another tear in the curtain is the dichotomey inside the head of the storyteller herself. caused, i speculate, because i relate much differently to the incidences on my maternal familial side than i do to the incidences on the paternal side of the family. even knowing where to begin, is trying my patience.

i really do need to offload.

Trying…

i really have been thinking long and hard about blogging as a way to purge my mind and my heart of all the demon garbage within; but, great trepidation lays with losing one’s anonymity in the process.

my preference would be for penning a missive *by anonymous* and *changing all names to protect the guilty*. i would even go so far as to say that i would even consider selling said missive to one of those medium-sized, NYC or SanFran publishing houses. but, slap my real & true name upon it? that i’m not so sure about at this point in time &/or my process.

i looked to other blogs in my feed — forgive me, i have not yet become accustomed to wordpress lingo — and i occasionally opened one to read, hoping to observe someone with the strength to tell a hard, personal story. all i got out of that was belwilderment & wide wonder at the bravery of some.

so, here i sit another Saturday morn. coffee on the nighttable. toast with butter & honey. my iPad on a pillow in my lap. celtic brittish indie on the BRm TV. a pile of his laundry to fold. i would write about him if i could but he prefers not to have a foot print on the web. many people i know are like that and i try to understand their reasoning while honoring their wishes. you know, whatev — i am not big into that reality TV crap so i *get* why a person would perfer their own privacy. but i digress…

i just gotta find a voice, that is all…

Virginity…

hmmm… virginity. yes, i think i misplaced mine somewhere at the dirt road end of St Taminy Baptist Church Road, somewhere in the piney woods of northwest Louisiana. when i consider virginity, i do not like to think of it as “lost”. i do not like to think of it as “given” or “taken”. perhaps this would seem odd to some folks; however, i feel a sense of ownership over myself, my person, my etcetera. pondering this, even as i speak… errrrrr, type… i believe the best term for what i did with regard to my virginity is i “shared” it…

yes, the night i “shared” my virginity…

nothing spectacular to say, really. i was 16yrs and 5mos old. i skipped out on rehersals for the school drama club’s annual play and drove out to his neighborhood in my family’s station wagon. i picked him up at the corner of his street and he directed me down the road past the little baptist church. the road turned into gravel and then into dirt and then into a grassy lane with two dirt ditches where tires had imposed themselves upon nature’s path. it was warm, springtime and probably a starry evening though i’m sure i did not bother to notice . it was not romantic. we were not in love. hell, we weren’t even dating. he was just a boy i knew through a girlfriend – a girlfriend who had a big crush on him but he chose me, go figure – a boy who i had talked on the phone with for hours and who i had made out with a couple times on sunny sunday afternoons. just a horny boy trying to get laid. that and only that. and try he did, for weeks. i laugh now when i think back at how absurd this sounds. how, you might wonder, did he finally seal such a deal for himself? what was his stellar persuasion? haa!!

“don’t you want some experience?”

yep, that was all, it took. that was the winning answer on teen jeopardy that week. that was the one-liner that made practical sense to me. that was all it took to get me in the back of mom’s station wagon at the end of St Taminy Baptist Church Road that Thursday evening, so many eons ago. he brought a condom, i brought a tiny tube of vaseline to make things easier. it was pretty quick and actually painless. in fact, afterward, he remarked that he did not believe that i had been a virgin but i was…

or, at least, i am certain that i was…

Lost…

i am just a wee bit lost today. mainly, lost because i don’t know what i am doing here, literally, trying to figure out this blog site software. (although i am proud to have known a little bit about html, enough to take an unwanted paragraph space out from in between the comment on my “About” blurb), but anyway..

and, subsequently, lost because i don’t know what i am doing here, literally. meaning here, pondering the possibility &/or probability of blogging. i mean, do i really want to take a huge brain dump (soul dump, perhaps) on da innerwebz? when it is rather terrifying just to consider letting someone else inside my twisted head, why am i then going so far as to consider dumping those contents onto the unsuspecting reader (or readers plural, perhaps)? these poor unsuspecting, nameless, faceless, anonymous, blog reader(s) who at present do not even exist…

so, yeah, wtf AM i doing here…?